Monday, 24 February 2014

Proof reading for Personal Statement

Check the grammar mistakes, make the personal statement more professional and readable.

Born in Wenzhou, a high-speed developing city, I once dreamed of becoming a software engineer, who would fight day and night for the computer programs. I thought that job would bring me the most happiness, and realize the value of my life.
However, the business instincts that I was born with and the business acumen that I acquired later on have, however, gradually changed life goals, or more appropriately, put me back where I always should have been. I have set out to make myself as a businessperson.
Upon entering into the Univerisity of Oregon, which runs a long history college in United States. Even though architecture and computer science are the most popular major in UO, but I choose business administration as my major because I thought the business is an opportunity and a challenge in my college career, also I thought it will bring the most significant solution to my life.
Being study in Univerisity of Oregon, it is very important four years in my life becasue I learned a lot of business skills, which may change my future. After concentrate my business major to finance, I try my best to become a comprehensive and qualified businessman. I take different kinds of courses in order to improve my knowledge of business such as financial analysis and valuation, market communcations and international finance. In the process of learning, I not only mastered a lot of basic business skills but also learned to tailor the use of these skills to specific situations, targeting different companies and products with different strategies. In addition, I put my skills into business practice, which design e-commerce webside for 3D System company (Appendix A), and company strategy plan for Northwest Martial Arts (Appendix B). Such experiences taught me the value of perseverance in group work as well as importance to my future jobs.
After graduated from University of Oregon, I was looking for a job which can take advantage of my business skills to help the management overcome some of the hurdles in the way of the company’s development. Currently working as an assistant to general manager in Northwest Gold & Jewelry Exchange Center, which a precious metals trading company found in May 2013. By insight understanding the precious metals trading rules and compare with the culture difference between the United States and China, I support several ideas and feedback depend on the situation of this company. These ideas and feedback got high praise from the president of the company. A financial plan which I come up with as the major task in 2014 in the company. Ten of the significant cities as the exclusive agent for the pilot’s financial distinct from the company. In the next year, our company will give a comprehensive technical support and marketing planning for these ten cities (Appendix C). The president of the company and managing director give high praises for me like “a high- quality talented person” and “Very strong ability to work”.
In order to depth understand business and finance, I decide to take Master of Science In Finance degree in Hongkong. I believe that, with in depth knowledge of finance, I can have a firmer grasp of the company’s operations and thereby exercise more control over the company’s directions. I am convinced that the MSf degree will pave the way for me to reach my life-long goal of making myself a full- fledged businessman.
I have different kinds of hobbies, and calligraphy is my favorite hobby. I acquired several awards and certificates (Appendix D). The calligraphy brings me the knowledge of arts and most happiness when I awarded. Furthermore, I am good at radio orienteering sport, and I award the Certificate Level 2 for National Athlete. That’s the reason why many people call me a versatile person.
In addition, I am really interesting in computer science and technologies, and I have computer skills such as Microsoft Office, Photoshop, Visual Studio and Visual Basic. These skills are very useful when I was working.
I am applying for acceptance into Master of Science in Finance Program at The Hongkong University of Science and Technology because I am interesting in the culture of Hongkong, Moreover, I hope I can learn as much as business skills in the college.

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